It's All In The Past
by Noa-Pearl
Summary: Everyone knows Catherine hasn’t exactly had a good history when we’re talking about relationships... Perhaps that’s why she thinks things will never work out between her and the man she loves...


Summary: Everyone knows Catherine hasn't exactly had a good history when we're talking about relationships... Perhaps that's why she thinks things will never work out between her and the man she loves...

Spoilers: Slight spoilers, but none of them are very clear ;) .

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters I've used. The parts of the song I've used are from Nelly Furtado's Try.  
Note: Let me know what you think about this... It's an idea that came up to me one day and I like to know your thoughts about it. And I'm sorry if the spelling is incorrect sometimes, I try!

_All I know  
Is everything is not as it's sold  
but the more I grow the less I know  
And I have lived so many lives  
Though I'm not old  
And the more I see, the less I grow  
The fewer the seeds the more I sow_

Catherine gasped when she felt his hand on her arm. They were alone in her office, and both wanted one thing; the other. It was easy for him to say; he never felt the way she had in a relationship. When she felt him standing behind her, now moving his arm up and down her skin, she thought about Eddie. Eddie. He was Lindsay's father, he was. And deep inside, she still felt some kind of love for him. He could make her feel special sometimes. But most of the time he made her feel like she wasn't more than just a piece of garbage. A ugly, smelly piece of garbage that didn't deserve to be in the world they were living. It had made her feel like crap. She turned around, and faced him.

_Then I see you standing there  
Wanting more from me  
And all I can do is try  
Then I see you standing there  
Wanting more from me  
And all I can do is try_

Catherine saw his eyes, wich were begging her to tell him the exact same thing that he'd told her a couple of seconds ago. That he loved her. More people had told her the they loved her. Eddie did. Chris did. Chris. She'd loved him. He told her he did. But apparently he hadn't loved her enough to stick to one person. He had cheated on her. And so did Eddie. It was number two whom had let her down. Who'd make her feel like she was worthless. Something that was the complete opposite of what made her feel like when she was with him. Catherine tried to fight against the tears, that she felt were coming.

_I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness  
And all the real people are really not real at all  
The more I learn the more I cry  
As I say goodbye to the way of life  
I thought I had designed for me_

He grabbed her hand, but still wasn't saying a word. Neither was she. She kept thinking. Thinking about het life. It hadn't gave her what she wanted at all. I wasn't a life she planned to have. Her life wasn't even coming close to the plans she had made. A cute, little house, far away from the big city with a husband and a child, maybe two. She'd planned to be happy. Instead of being happy, she felt miserable. Eddie and Chris. It were only two guys, but somehow they had been able to mess up her entire life. And to make it all even better, both Eddie and Chris were gone. Eddie was death and Chris was... well, gone from Vegas. She sighed when she felt a tear streaming down her face. His hand touched her cheek and he wiped away her tear and all the other tears that were coming at the same time. Their eyes locked and all he could do was look at her face. Her gorgeous, precious face, that was filled with wet marks from crying.

_Then I see you standing there  
Wanting more from me  
And all I can do is try  
Then I see you standing there  
I'm all I'll ever be  
But all I can do is try_

Suddenly she turned around, looking at a wall, thinking again. Catherine was in her own world, while he was desperately trying to get some sort of contact. Eddie and Chris had hurt her. She somehow thought that there wouldn't be a single guy that wasn't able to not hurt her. And the only thing that that had brought in, was that she wasn't able to let anyone in. She wasn't able to let him in. And he knew she wasn't. She took a deep breath and turned around to face him again. She saw he wanted to say something, but she quickly rested her finger on his lips. "Let me talk." It took a second before she started talking again, and when she started her voice was shaky. "I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I just can't... I can't do this. I' hurt... I'm still hurt, even after all these years. I can't do this. I love you, I really do. I love you so much. But I can't be with you. Not untill I'm able to let go of my past. I'm sorry, and I understand that you can't wait until I'm finally ready. Just remember that I love you. 'Cause I honestly do, Gil." She gave him a quick kiss on his lips and than quickly made her way out of the room. She couldn't show Gil she was crying. Not again.

Note: Okay... So this turned out a little weird, I guess. I couldn't make the point in this story that I wanted to, but I hope you liked this angsty Cath story anyway ;) . Hit that button, please!


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